Bangkok is a very busy city with bad air, a lot of people and even more tuk tuks. And, it is really really hot. It seems to be stuck between the East and the West, but in many ways, or at least the area we are in, it is more Western than most Western cities. The best/worst part is that Thailand is truly the "land of smiles". everyone is really really friendly, but it is always hard to tell if they are being genuine or are attempting to screw you into going to their cousin's haberdashery where they will offer you a friendly/disingenuous glass of something and you will wake up 15 hours later with 6 new suits, gold teeth, a new wife/husband named suvaranabuumi and about 2000 less dollars in your bank account. Actually, I have already been to about 6 different shops against my will just because of the time-tested scams of bangkok. Why a tuk tuk driver would believe that I would buy a diamond ring for Dave is beyond me, but there i was at 2 different jewellry stores today.

Actually, because I now naively see myself as a reasonably well-seasoned traveller (I crashed a hot air balloon in Kenya, beat that you hippy bastard), I consequently naively believed that I could see most of the scams coming. Or, at the very least, I would let myself be scammed into touring a few crappy shops but avoid downing a shot of snake blood offered up by a toothless man in a suit with a single golden tooth. The typical scam here involves a smooth talker who knows more about your home country than you do who informs you that the attraction you have come to see is closed, but he can arrange a very cheap tuk tuk ride to see some other attractions around the city. We were approached by a very nice guard at the Grand Palace who informed us we wouldn't be allowed in because we were wearing sandals, but that we should definitely go check out the giant standing buddha, "thai fashion" and some other stops. and wouldn't you know it, there was a tuk tuk waiting to take us to just those places for only 10 baht! ironically enough, another pair of travelers came up to me as we were getting in the tuk tuk to ask if we had been told that the grand palace was closed. i happily informed them that that was just a scam and they could go in, and then proceeded to continue being a sucker. One tourist attraction and 16 shops later, we ran away from our tuk tuk drivers without paying and are probably now wanted on the streets of bangkok.

Anyways, overall Bangkok is pretty OK. For pretty much every place I've been, I have found that the one big city in the country is usually incredibly dirty, poor and depressing. Bangkok is definitely the first two of those, but the people all seem so happy that it isn't such a bad place. Of course, we do have a pool on the roof of our hostel that has improved my mood immeasurably and may be tainting my opinion, but I like it. We went on a boatride on the river and its canals that course through the city. This boat ride was this country's way of reminding me how lucky we are, etc... as I watched people brush their teeth with and swim in the impossibly disgusting brown water. And man, the hippy travellers dominate this city. Mom, you would have disowned 90 percent of the people here. Anyways, even if you love or hate tattoos you have to agree that getting a giant skull drawn on your back is a poor idea at best.

So, the reason we have spent a few days in Bangkok was to get visas for the country of Myanmar. The choice to travel to Burma wasn't taken lightly. As you may or may not know, the country is currently ruled by an extremely repressive military junta. The country's rightly elected democratic leader, nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, is currently under arrest for the 3rd time for no legitimate reason. Many of its tourist sights were built and restored with slave labour and the country's standard of living is among the lowest in the world. Also, Aung San Suu Kyi has asked people not to travel to the country because it may legitimize the rule of the government. However, I've looked into it a lot, and I think it is OK to go there if you are very careful where and how you spend your money. Paige was there in October, and after talking to locals, etc... it was clear that they really appreciated travellers coming there, spending their money, enjoying the very unique culture and getting the word out about the terrible government. However, travellers who go on package tours are often giving money directly to the government, and this is the sort of travel that should be avoided. But, let's be honest, basically the only reason I'm going is to shamelessly quote Dr. Evil..."My childhood was pretty typical really, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons..."

Anyways, a few things are sort of standing in the way of us enjoying ourselves/getting our of Myanmar alive. First of all, money. I was just talking to a guy who came back from Burma early because nobody would accept his American dollars for exchange because they thought they were counterfeit because they weren't the new kind of coloured ones. And one small rip or crease means nobody will accept it. We have one new 50 dollar bill between the two of us, so it might be a long two weeks. Secondly, the transportation is a little not good. Paige's favourite stories to tell from Myanmar involved busrides in excess of 24 hours spent next to men who had wet themselves and women who had vomited on themselves, the fact that toilet paper is a serious luxury there and that the toilets on the transportation are usually a hole emptying out onto the track and/or road. Oh ya, and the major highway is basically a 1 and a half laner that is basically one large 400 mile stretch of monster truck rallies. Thirdly, an outbreak of bird flu has people a little skittish. Oh ya, and there are no ATMs or credit cards accepted anywhere. Oh and we arent staying at hostel tonight, but just going out on khaosan road and then getting a ride to the airport to sleep there. So, ultimately I think things are all set up to go really really well.

Myanmar still isn't big on "electronic mail" so that will be interesting. We are there for 2 weeks and then head to Kuala Lumpur to take Malaysia by storm with the one and only MVP Allan Ottaway, who is currently savind the world one refugee at a time with the UN.

And i guess if things dont go well, i like you all alot.
in the immortal words of J. Peterman "You may know it as Myanmar Elaine, but it will always be Burma to me."

Just quickly wanted to say that I've met back up with Dave "Ladyboy Magnet" Morrison and we are safely in Bangkok at a hostel. There was a tense moment when we thought my superbag had been lost en route, but it eventually emerged as the last bag out, wide open with my clothes hanging out. We think Thai airport workers probably searched my bag, found nothing that they liked and just decided not to steal it after all, but this is unsubstantiated. Waking up in a few hours to try and get Myanmar visas so we don't miss our plane, hope alls well
dunc

I think I am a true Filipino, for I have sung karaoke. Mama Bueno threw a party to celebrate the re-election of the incumbent mayor, a pal of hers no big deal, and pretty much everyone from Lucena was there as was a karaoke machine. At first I refused to sing or do anything embarassing, but the masses really wanted the one white guy in the city to embarass himself. So, they surreptitiously fed me an entire of moonshine, and before they knew what hit them, they got "Total Eclipse of the Heart" "If you leave me now" by Chicago and an attempt to sing a Filipino song. The showstopper (seriously, I had to go to bed afterwards, Filipino wine is ridiculous) was my rendition of "Afternoon Delight". By my own slightly confused memory, I received 31 marriage proposals from available Filipinas after I finished that one. Trust me when I say that I'm not bragging when I say that.

My time in the Philippines has now come to an end, which is kind of sad because this has been one hell of a unique experience. However, I was definitely ready to move on as well. I am in Hong Kong for a few days, and then to Bangkok to get some visas on the way to Myanmar. I will remember the Philippines fondly for its large number of kind, hospitable people, its smaller number of angry, belligerent people who aren't fans of my whiteness, its love affair with any machine that spits out diesel fumes and its even greater love affair with singing. I am also happy that I've become so good at sitting quietly and awkardly amongst a large group of people speaking a foreign language. In fact, it's pretty much been the story of my last 4 months.

In Hong Kong I arranged to stay with my old high school principal, who is now the headmaster at the International Canadian school in Hong Kong. Our plans were a little non-existent for my arrival, and after 2 non-english speaking cabbies, getting soaked in the rain and many near death experiences, i eventually found my way to his flat by no small miracle. my heart definitely sank when the door was answered, somewhat ironically, by a Filipina. Luckily it was the right place and she is the nanny. Mr. McMaster is a really great guy and has a great setup here with his wife and 2 kids. It's also really fun to get drunk with your high school principal and find out what he thought about all your friends. Mikey, he says to tell you he's very impressed you didn't end up in a gay Vegas burlesque show.

A few more things about the Philippines....
The elections are now complete, and I am happy to say that I was not one of the 116 victims of those elections. Some of the stories are just incredible, people carrying ballot boxes being attacked and family members of candidates getting killed, etc... what a crazy place. This election was for governor, mayor and city council, and I got to watch a lot of the political gatherings. It was somewhat shocking to go to the final "debate"/rally and see a mayoral candidate actually break out into a full-on choreographed dance routine complete with backup dancers. What I wouldn't give to see a Western politician try this. I bet you Dick Cheney could break it down.

Anyways, fortunately Lucena City was comparably quite safe and there were no election problems here. It also helps that my surrogate father is the police chief and his son Deboy is definitely a budding gangster. Actually, speaking of that Deboy and I had a nice little day together with some of his girlfriends. Roxanne came over for breakfast and then left, we met up with Grace and walked around the city, and then Marla came and watched us play pool. I also asked him how old Grace was, and he had to ask her...don't worry they've only been dating for 2 years. He's a fine gentleman.

I've kind of come to realize that the institutions, or the attitudes, for volunteering don't really exist here. Everyone still seems a bit confused as to why I came here. As a result, it's been nearly impossible to do anything. For example, I've been into the city health office to help, but havent been the last 2 days because the incumbent mayor called a 2 day holiday to celebrate his re-election. haha imagine how pissed you would be if you had an appointment at the city health office but it was closed for a holiday?

Playing basketball is a cultural experience here. I also now go by my streetballer name "Muganda Babaeh" meaning "beautiful woman" because I yell it every time I score a basket. People are always yelling it to me as I walk down the street, which means it has stuck better than my attempt at creating my own streetballer nickname "White Chocolate" in Taiwan. It's amazing how my most genuine cultural experiences, soccer in Malawi or Ecuador and basketball in Taiwan or the Philippines, have come when playing sports with local people who speak a completely different language and come from a completely different background.

One of the more ironic things about the anti-Americanism here in the Philippines is the sheer number of people wearing shirts that say things like "AMERICA THE FREE" or "GOD BLESS AMERICA" or "AMERICA INVENTED HEAVY FUCKING METAL" haha that one is my favourite. but anyways, i guess it's because Americans donate a lot of clothes here? And no mom, I haven't seen any of ours. But nobody would accuse Filipinos of being overly rational. For example, Gloria Arroyo the president is often accused of being a corrupt dictator. Her biggest competition actually comes from her presidential predecessor Joseph Estrada. Despite the fact that Estrada was one of the most corrupt politicians anywhere ever and openly stole millions of dollars, he still enjoys widespread support. Why you ask? Because he is a former B-level movie star who played poor action heroes, which alot of people really feel like they can identify with. It's like Tom Arnold getting elected President despite minimal intelligence and no experience, stealing millions of dollars and getting impeachd, and then still being supported by millions of people because he used to be on Roseanne.

Got to run talk soon

PHILIPPINES, PART 3

We all know everything in Southeast Asia is cheap, and I can't yet comment on the banana pancake trail countries like Thailand, but everything in the Philippines is shockingly cheap compared to home: 1.75 for a movie in the theatre, 0.80 for a beer, 2-7$ for a t-shirt, etc... I actually got to go see Spiderman 3 in the theatre the other day. It was an OK movie, but also gave me a chance to think about an environmental issue that people don't pay nearly enough attention to. If we are forced to use nuclear energy more often to compensate for a smaller and smaller pool of oil, there will be more and more toxic accidents. As a result, there will be a more and more of these crazy radioactive supervillains, and we all know Spiderman doesn't actually exist and can't save us from them, just something to think about....

Photos taken quickly in the interest of not being violently separated from my camera...

Forest trekking...
The sunrise with the dying pig...


The boat we took to get to Perez Island, see those things on the side for support...ya, sturdy vessel....
rice paddies everywhere...
these are my friends with the boat the 4 of us tried to go canoeing in, it didnt work...
one of the ubiquitous jeepneys, there are no joke about 35 people in that one...
churches everywhere...

basketball courts even more everywhere...

Mama Bueno takes time out of her busy political schedule to rock to The Dead. The matriarch of Lucena City, and soon the world.....

the tricycle...
jeepney

PHILIPPINES, PART 2

Basketball is the first, and possibly only, sport of the Philippines (unless you think cockfighting is a sport, because if so then that is far and away the first sport. Everyone here loves a good cockfight). Socially, it is very important for a young person to be able to ball, because otherwise you just aren't worth knowing. On top of that, it's important to play with some serious showtime skills. Scoring baskets is fucking boring, but scoring a one-handed no-look alley-oop with your eyes closed on every 15th attempt is much better than scoring on a jumpshot. And on top of that, it's exceptionally important to do these things while wearing flipflops, because nobody can afford running shoes. Of course, nobody told that to the stupid white asshole who wears running shoes and can't score one-handed no-look alley-oops . Needless to say, things were a little hostile for the first little while I was playing ball with the neighbourhood kids, but I won them over by screaming "Muganda Ba-ba-eh" which i am told means "beautiful woman" in Tagalog, every time i scored a basket.

My surrogate family is a pretty crazy mix of people, and quite the bunch to learn about the Filipino culture from. In some respects, since I've read that 1 in 5 Filipinos are malnourished, they might not be the best family to learn what it is like to live here. This is because they eat, no joke, 5 huge meals a day. Mama Bueno is the head of the family, and I think possibly the city of Lucena. She is a city councillor and with an upcoming election, she is in full campaign mode, which seems to involve eating 18 extra meals each day with anyone she meets. She is extremely jolly, quite large and pretty hilarious. Sample conversation: "Canada has the moon, yes?" "Haha yes of course Mama Bueno, but we don't have the sun" "Oh yes, this is what I mean. Sooo cold in Canada!" Her son Jojo is a 30 year old pirepighter with limited English, which is why we've had this conversation 16 times: "You like to see my gun?" "Oh ya, that's a nice gun." "Yes....so....you take a Filipina woman tonight?" "Uh no thanks Jojo." Another one of her sons is Jon aka Deboy, which means Playboy I'm told. He is the Tony Soprano of the Philippines as he smokes 3 packs a day, is very very large and seems to inspire the fear of everyone he walks past. He also has 5 girlfriends, which he talks about often in graphic detail.

Deboy and his 2 friends took me to a small island called Perez for the past few days. It was typically Filipino: unbelievably gorgeous, covered in tropical jungle and exceptionally poor. We stayed with his grandmother in a large concrete block house, surrounded by ancient houses built out of stark concrete and corrugated tin. We spent our time watching the PBA (Perez Basketball Association), hiking through the jungle, swimming in the ocean and shocking all the islanders with my white face. On seemingly every street there is a basketball net set up, so we played alot as well. It could have been a basketball game in any place in the world, yet it had a few stark reminders of where we were: 1) the white guy playing attracted a ridiculously large crowd 2) the purity of the game was somewhat compromised by the squeals of the pig that was being slaughtered 5 metres away from us 3) the game ended when the ball landed in the street gutter, which is a place that you never, ever want your ball to land.

At night we would sit around in a circle and drink Lambanog aka Filipino 70% moonshine with anyone who felt like joining us when they walked by, including as it turns out, the mayor. Drinking Lambanog is not for the faint-hearted or for the germaphobe. For one, it is like drinking pure gasoline. Secondly, everyone drinks out of one shot glass. This was OK until we were joined by the guy who was wearing nothing but a pair of soiled underwear and a faded pink hat inscribed with "hang loose". We were also drinking with Deboy's 900 year old looking, but probably only about 60 year old great-grandmother. She didn't speak a word of English to me for 2 days, but then came up with 2 gems out of nowhere: "I think you have 3 wives in Canada" and "You have very beautiful blue eyes, like my dog". The next morning, I woke up and caught the sunrise, which was just unbelievable. Unfortunately, this experience was somewhat ironically tarnished by the anguished squeals of yet another slaughtered pig.

The other day I also got taken to a Filipino wedding. I would say it was one of the more awkward experiences of my life. On the night before the wedding, they have a reception where the bride and groom must dance in the middle of the room by themselves for a very, very long time. While they do this, the guests drink a bunch of wine and walk up randomly to pin money on their shirts. Now imagine the looks on the faces of the young couple when the random white guy they had never met walked up and tried to pin money on them, in the process pricking his own finger and beginning to bleed, making an awkward face and then walking away. Priceless.

On a more serious note, the poverty and the lack of life opportunities here are once again difficult to see. For example, when I was sitting with 4 guys the other night, all in their early 20s (the underwear guy hadnt shown up yet), 2 of them had kids, 1 had a baby on the way, and the other was Deboy who has 5 girlfriends and must have a kid coming soon from somewhere. This country is deeply Christian, and abortion is illegal here, and so even though each of them would have liked to abort despite their religiosity, they couldnt and now have to provide for a young family. Furthermore, 2 of the guys said they would love to immigrate somewhere such as Canada or maybe the States, but the process makes it extremely difficult or it just takes far too long to get a visa (like 5 or 10 years for some places). It was very sobering to listen to, although not sobering enough to nullify the effects of the Lambanog. Just another reminder of how lucky we are to at least have options, if anything, and also that maybe we should reconsider our feelings about immigration policies...
Pictures coming soon...

PHILIPPINES, PART 1

So i bet im the first person you know to drink 65% filipino wine on the veranda of a small house in the jungle in the philippines under a canopy of palm trees with 2 toothless filipino women and a 65 year old retired australian sailor with a broken nose and a mean sunburn, who happens to be the only white person i've seen since i've been here but was actually so drunk he spoke the worst english of anyone i've met since i've been here. but more on that later.

So I guess some people are wondering why i am in the philippines, which is an excellent question that i am still trying to answer myself as i navigate away from all the troubles that tend to stalk foreigners here. i really wanted to do some volunteer work in asia somewhere before i came home, not because of some sense of altruism but more for selfish reasons involving self-reflection and curiosity. ive always found the philippines very compelling, as an incredibly beautiful group of islands with its fair share of problems. we all know filipino people, and it seems that most of its people are spread around the world working a wide range of jobs.

Actually, from what i gather, it is about 10 million of the population of 60 million or so who work abroad due to poverty, overpopulation and a lack of quality work to be found at home. anyway, i felt that travelling to the Philippines would be a perfect opportunity to volunteer somewhere, to see a country i always wanted to see and most importantly to experience a very interesting culture that not many people from the west get to experience. Complicating the matter for me, however, were the rather frequent outbreaks of violence occurring all over the country. when i read the Canadian travel advisory for the Philippines, i had to make sure i hadn't accidentally clicked on darfur. you see, there is a very thinly veiled disgust with the United States in this country.

The philippines finds itself in league with so many other countries in the world in that the States used them (as allies in WWII), provided them with a laughable amount of aid, and supported a dictator (Marcos) who is basically known for being almost impressively corrupt and having a wife (Imelda Marcos) who really, really, really liked shoes. Also, the Abuseyyif, a Muslim Extremist terrorist organization which operates from the south of the island, blows a lot of stuff up, and when it doe, really likes to blow up white people and white business interests. also, i am white and sound american. so, the combination of all these factors somewhat complicated my hope of traveling to this incredible country. But, through a family connection the opportunity came up to live in lucena city, about 3 hours south of manila, with a family, and hopefully do some volunteer work around town.

So, I was leaving for airport and was somewhat terrified, and after sending out a few "if i get blown up, just know that i like you alot" emails (if you didnt get one its not because i dont like you, its because i like you too much, i didnt want to embarrass myself and make yu not like me, get it?), i had somewhat made peace with the decision to come here. That was, of course, until I read the last 3 news stories on the philippines on the internet: "Election-time violence increases: 5 dead in political shooting"; "American Peace Corps worker murdered while hiking"; "First Gentleman of the Philippines...Gay?" 2 of these 3 stories really didnt do much good for my confidence.

Anyways, on the flight to Manila I had once again calmed down. However, the one thing that is not a thrillah to hear when you land in Manila is that the reason your airplane is not moving off the tarmac is because the airport has been declared to be under a state of "quasi-emergency". I immediately knew I was going to pay for half-jokingly referring to this country as the "Killipines" before i came here. anyways, it turns out that "quasi-emergency" in the philippines means that a politician is getting on a plane somewhere in the airport and nothing is wrong. unfortunately for me and the woman beside me who i almost vomited on, this was not explained until several minutes later.

anyways, despite all this, things have turned out fine. i was picked up at the airport by mama bueno, papa nelson and the crew. they are incredibly nice people and i have really enjoyed living with them so far. the first thing they did to introduce me to the philippines was to take me to that bastion of filipino culture: the shopping mall. now usually, a reasonably upscale shopping mall is the one place in a city like manila (or kampala, uganda or taipei or nairobi) where you can count on running into other foreigners. it was kind of disconcerting to see not one other foreign person in this mall. i did however see a whole lot of filipino people giving me looks that suggested they were wondering what the hell i was doing there, which has really become a major theme in my life in the past year. they also got me to eat a balut, which i was told was featured on fear factor, a deep fried one day old chicken. dont tell PETA.

Manila is an incomparably ridiculous city. Pollution is rampant, palm trees grow impossibly from everywhere and jeepneys and tricycles choke the streets. Traffic is absurd here, to the point that it took us 4 hours to drive the 130 km to Lucena. the tricyles i mentioned are quite different from the ones 3 year olds (or me until the age of 7, dont judge i lived on top of a hill it was hard to learn the 2 wheeler) ride at home. this one is a bicycle or motorbike with an attached sidecar (think darkwing duck's ride). It is incredible how many people can fit on one, the most I've seen so far is 11.

So my experiences so far are wideranging and confusing. Yesterday I drove around a lot with my new family and then went to observe the political caucus taking place before the elections happen in just over a week. for some reason, the trip for me to observe the political process in the philippines started with the aforementioned trip into th jungle to go shot-for-shot with the australian and the toothless filipinos while mama bueno talked politics with the australian's terrifying, shrek-ish wife for an hour and a half. my everlasting image of this encounter will be of the australian pointing his fingers to his head, opening his eyes widely and screaming over and over to "THINK ABOUT THE CLAP" which i guess was his advice as a travelling sailor who had seen many countries and many brothels. after this, we went to the political caucus, which pretty much amounted to all of the candidates for city councilor and mayor singing and dancing on stage. filipinos, as far as i can gather from the sheer number of karaoke machines i've already seen, LOVE to sing, so i guess it makes sense that political decisions should be based on Filipino Idol. Anyways, i was very confused, and even more confused when everyone shifted down the bench i was sitting on to allow a cross dresser to sit next to me and spend the next very uncomfortable 20 minutes attempting to entice me with pineapple and a portable fan. i put out that fire by telling her/him i had 3 girlfriends at home and couldnt possibly cheat on them. i then made a quick getaway and entertained an entourage of 30 children with my broken attempts to speak the filipino language, tagalog, for the rest of the night.

The other day I was taken on a boat ride to an incredible beach and spent a few hours swimming there. Also spent time hanging out at the fire station with mama bueno's son, jojo, and driving around the city on the back of his motorcycle. there are more stories but i am sure most people stopped reading 8 paragraphs ago.

I am supposed to be volunteering in a hospital, but it seems that the organization for that moves about as slowly as the filipino lifestyle. hopefully that will come together soon. either way, mama bueno has lots planned for me, including a traditional filipino wedding this weekend. hope everyone is well, thanks for the emails keep them coming, i can check the Internet every few days i think. talk soon,
dunc