On the day that I should have been walking across a stage in Vancouver to get handed a really expensive piece of paper, I was instead driving a car few would trust to get them to Bed, Bathroom and Beyond (or Home Depot) into one of the world’s most inhospitable environments, Namibia’s Skeleton Coast. Originally named for the innumerable whale and seal bones that dotted its beaches, the Skeleton Coast is now known as the resting place for literally hundreds of ships and thousands of sailors who perished after crashing in its trademark dense fog. Those who did survive the shipwrecks quickly noticed that they were stranded in one of the most barren, desolate places on earth, and didn’t survive much longer. Sounds like the perfect vacation destination, no?

We left Swakopmund and headed north, stopping first at the Cape Cross Reserve, home to one of the most shockingly vast colonies of seals one could ever hope to see (if, for some reason, you have always hoped to see a surprisingly large number of seals all at once).

Seals are as impressively graceful in the water as they are painfully awkward out of it. Hundreds of playful seals jumping through massive waves are a sight to behold.

Some days, it just isn’t worth getting out of bed

I like to tell myself that this one was just resting

From Cape Cross, we ventured further north and suddenly happened upon a fairly ominous gate

I was looking for the part where they had displayed ‘Abandon all hope ye who enter here’, but I guess that there wasn’t room, what with two giant skull and cross bones already on there.

After passing a gate like that, one sort of expects to immediately explode into a ball of fire, but it was actually quite anti-climactic. Whereas other places are hilariously dangerous because they host man-eating lions or roaming gangs of marauders, the Skeleton Coast is dangerous because it hosts absolutely nothing. To the west is the hellaciously foggy ocean coastline and the skeletal remains of destroyed ships

To the north, east and south is sand, sand and sand. The only sign of enduring civilization is the slightly sub-satisfactory dirt road that follows the coastline.

We pressed along the coast and I remember loving the sense of utter desolation stretching out in every direction. I remember thinking that it was so unique and so starkly beautiful. I remember grandly exclaiming that there was nowhere else I would have rather been than driving through this beautiful desert with my pals. Six hours later, when it was pitch black and we were terrified, covered in dust, dangerously dehydrated, surrounded by the menacing eyes of wild animals, and lying on the ground trying to fix our utter failure of a car, I remember thinking that deserts suck.

After we had driven about halfway up the Skellie Coast, we decided not to push our luck any further and turned towards neighbouring Damaraland. To that point we had done relatively well, only driving through/over a few boulders and excruciatingly scraping the bottom of the car on the dirt, oh, a half-dozen times or so. Unfortunately, the Skeleton Coast had battered our car so harshly that it was in Damaraland where that old adage wrang true: What doesn't kill you makes you incredibly weak and leaves your battered corpse vulnerable to bursting into flames the next time you get sick, hurt or gassy.

I suppose at this point it would be best to break into a running diary format, complete with commentary, observation and the inner workings of my admittedly addled mind

4:42 - 'What the fuck is that?!?'

4:43 - 'Is that a giant green penguin?'

4:44 - Of course it's not Dunc, the heat is making you hallucinate again, just drive the car

4:45 - Oh nevermind you were right, it actually is a giant green penguin

4:58 - Real animals begin to appear to the side of the road as we enter more lush territory: gazelles, (delicious) kudu, the retreating tale of a warthog visible above the long, yellow grass like a perescope. Annoyingly, they are all behind a tall fence, the purpose of which is likely to keep the animals within a game reserve. This is done to attract and appease the tourists who expect to see wild animals on their vacations. This is a problem all over Africa, as the fences inevitably disrupt natural migrations, and, in a sick twist of fate, actually harm the health and decrease the populations of the very animals everyone wants to see. That being said, without the game reserves and the fences the situation would likely be even worse, as poaching and habitat loss often conspire to wipe out wild animals otherwise.

5:07 - 'What the fuck was that?!?'

'I have a sneaking suspicion that we just drove over a boulder.'

'Oh'

5:08 - 'Do you guys smell burning?'

'No, Swifty'

5:10 - Who is the most entertaining insane dictator in history? Should I even be asking myself that question? Probably not... but some of them do such hilarious things! Mussolini had a lot of things going on, but he's too mainstream. 'Team America' tells me that Kim Jong Il is in the running, but that portrayal was maybe, possibly, slightly exaggerated (Haaans Brix! Aaaaah no! Ahhh herro, great to see you again Hans). Would it be the Hoxhas in Albania, who once changed the name of every single street in the capital city of Tirana to 'November 8 Street' to commemorate the creation of their political party? Think of the practical difficulties of delivering a pizza in that circumstances. Or would it be Baby Doc Duvalier, who used to post signs around Haiti reading 'I should like to stand before the tribunal of history as the person who irreversibly founded democracy in Haiti, Signed, Jean-Claude Duvalier, President-For-Life'? Idi Amin would have to be the frontrunner. He used to spend all his time writing telegrams to other heads of state. Most hilariously, he once sent one to the Israeli government during the Yom Kippur War with the simple but effective: 'I command you to surrender.' In another telegram, he informed Queen Elizabeth that 'I intend to arrive in London for an official visit on August 4th this year, but I am writing now to give you time to make all the necessary preparations for my stay so that nothing is omitted. I am particularly concerned about food because I know you are in the middle of a fearsome economic crisis. I would also like you to arrange for me to visit Scotland, Ireland and Wales to meet the heads of revolutionary movements fighting against your imperial oppression.' Yup, Idi, definitely the favourite for the title.

5:13 - Somehow, the road in Damaraland is even worse than it was along the Skeleton Coast. Our car, riding approximately two inches off the ground, is under constant attack. I try to zigzag and swerve to the best patches of road, but despite my best efforts the undercarriage is receiving a savage beating.

5:16 - I see a banana peel on the road and instinctively swerve to avoid it, knowing that to run over it would mean spinning out of control and either dying or being passed by Bowser.

5:19 - 'Do you guys smell burning?'

5:22 - 'Oooooohhhhh' accompanied by one of those crunched-up face cringes, as the car's undercarriage drags through the dirt for a solid 15 seconds.

5:23 - It sounds like we are dragging something rather substantial under our car. Hoping it's Sideshow Bob and not something substantial, I get out of the car to check. Oh, well, there's your problem - a very, very large piece of the undercarriage hanging down and dragging on the ground is fairly substantial, no?

5:24 - We take turns reaching under the car and trying to pull the large slab of metal loose from the car, but it's stuck on the ground.

5:25 - I pull the car forward a bit to loosen up the delinquent piece of undercarriage, then turn off the ignition as the car comes to rest on top of a fairly significant hill.

5:26 to 5:32 - We trade off shaking our heads in disbelief and pulling at the piece of metal. Finally, it comes free, and it's even more gargantuan than originally believed. It looks like a medieval shield. (We were to learn later, when the car needed to be fixed, again, that it was truly miraculous that the medieval shield somehow manoeuvred around and didn't break the exhaust pipe in half. Of course, the exhaust pipe did later break in half, but at least it waited for a slightly better moment. It's the small victories that matter).

5:33 - Still 100km away from any kind of civilization, the ladies discuss our increased probability of death given that a pebble is likely to hop into our now wide open drivetrain and kill us all. I hop into the driver's seat, turn the key and.... oh, what's that? Now the car won't start. Things are escalating quickly.

5:35 - As the girls look on, I throw it in neutral and start pumping the gas pedal. The engine chokes and sputters, but miraculously starts. German engineering! I was so overjoyed that I failed to notice the car had started rolling down the hill, and did I mention the brakes weren't really working?

5:36 - 'Get in! Get in! For the love of God get in!' In our own fun 'Little Miss Sunshine' moment, the girls start chasing the car down the hill, with The Swift holding the medieval shield above her head. The Salzberg jumps in the front, while The Swift is eventually able to dive in, shield-first.

5:38 - Quiet descends on the car, as we contemplate the current pickle we find ourselves in.

5:39 - 'Do you guys smell burning?'

5:44 - 'Do you guys smell burning?'

5:47 - 'Do you guys smell burning?'

'Swifty, isn't smelling burning a sign that you are having a stroke? If we were within 500 kilometres of a hospital, I would be rushing you to it.'

5:50 - We are driving painfully slow, but I was told that that was the responsible thing to do.

5:52 - We are passed by the first car we have seen in hours

5:54 - We are passed by a donkey-drawn cart. Its 6-year-old driver points and laughs.

6:06 - Why won't Rinfret just change his profile picture? It's been 4 years. And it looks ridiculous.

6:10 - I am stressed, but, in a way, this is kind of awesome.

6:22 - In rural Africa, darkness falls suddenly, as if a black blanket has been draped over the landscape. It is bright, and then within minutes it is darker than Pat Maloney’s moral standards (zing!). This is great, because the degree of difficulty wasn't high enough before

6:51 - The car starts fish-tailing uncontrollably, which is bad.

6:52 – I am stressed and this is not at all awesome.

6:53 - 'Do you guys smell burning?'

'Actually... yes'

6:54 - The back left tire is absolutely, utterly destroyed. We are basically driving on the rim. This is what the tire looked like when we saw it the next day

6:55 - The Salzberg: 'I CAN FIX THIS!!!!'

“Lady, you’re scarin’ us!”

6:56 - We emptied the trunk, pulled out our spare tire, and got to work.

6:58 - I wish Adam Ross was here - by now he would've set himself up on his tripod, killed one of the numerous glinty-eyed animals in the bushes around us, butchered, dried and cured the meat, and changed the tire, all while whistling his grandfather's hit song, 'I've Been Everywhere'.

7:07 - I am a man, for I have changed a flat tire. Eat your heart out Adam Ross.

7:09 – The car barely starts. I whimper, but it’s a manly whimper, because I can change a tire.

7:26 – We turn on our GPS to see how far away we are from civilization; it appears it is 50km to Khorixas, the nearest town. Oh, what’s that GPS? The road we are on ceases to exist in 10km? And you are telling us to happily continue driving through the dark, roadless desert without a care in the world? Great!

7:34 – Let's review for a moment - we are in the middle of nowhere; it is dark; we now have no spare tire so another flat would effectively cripple us; the brakes don't really seem to be "working"; we can't turn off the car for fear it will never start again; we are about to enter a road that apparently doesn't exist; Swifty is having a stroke, or something; and much like you wouldn't want to go for a jog (soft 'j') after a doctor cracks open your chest to perform open-heart surgery, we weren't too excited about driving on a death-road with the undercarriage of our car riding in the backseat. The urge to not drink and drive is becoming too overwhelming to ignore.

7:41 – We are now driving in the GPS Dead Zone.

7:47 – It is indicative of our collective state of mind that we are certain the ball of ethereal light that has just appeared on the horizon is either The Rapture or aliens that look like this

coming to take us away.

7:48 - Oh ya, it’s the moon

7:58 – 9:32 - All right Dunc, the best way to deal with this situation is to think some happy thoughts and before you know it you will be in the booming metropolis of Khorixas, Namibia (population 735) where you can have a hot shower, maybe catch a movie in the air-conditioned theatre and then watch the incorrigible antics of that delightful Don Cherry on satellite TV. Hey remember earlier when you learned that the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper! Wasn’t that great!?! And are you or are you not buoyed by the fact that under ‘Minority Status’ on his application to law school, your friend Rob wrote ‘Redhead’ and was still somehow admitted? What about the myriad legends of Fraser ‘Fingers’ Mandela, who once set a Toronto garbage collection record by causing $60 000 in damage when he drove a tractor into an overpass? Or the fact that two-term American President Ronald Reagan once grandly stated that trees cause more pollution than cars? Or that time you learned how to play the sax?

Or when you saw that penguin that ate another penguin?

Or the story from your friend Graham about the time he regained consciousness in just his underwear outside the Korean Embassy after accidentally enjoying a Vodka Rohypnol at a bar 20km away? With stories, fact and friends like that, how could one ever be unhappy?

9:33 – We made it! Thank… (I’ve been told that the worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank)… you?

9:35 – Rather than building the movie theatres, bars, satellite TVs or even the hot showers of which I had been dreaming, the infinitely wise urban planners that designed Khorixas instead built a gas station.

9:37 – It appears that the gas station is the fortress for a battalion of prostitutes, who appear to be the only inhabitants of Khorixas. It’s hard to believe it, but we were likely better off in the desert.

9:42 – The girls (The Swift and The Salzberg, not The Prostitutes) and I miraculously find a campsite.

9:55 – Within minutes we have set up our tents, eaten sandwiches, and fallen into a deep, PTSD-infused sleep

7:12 (AM) – Nine hours later I am a little confused when I’m awoken by the hungry advances of a feral pig, which is attempting to gain access to my tent so she can feed her septuplet piglets. It was unclear whether she was hoping to feed them me or my cookies

7:24 – I open my tent flap, thinking that my swift kick has sent her away, but she sneak attacks and it’s on again.

7:26 – Eventually she becomes scared of the tire-changing badass she has had the misfortune of encountering and runs away

7:27 – I lie back down and drift off to sleep.

7:36 – I am awoken by something brushing against my tent. I look outside. It’s a peacock.

7:42 – Resigned to the fact that the world is conspiring against me, I decide to get up and set about the task of trying to locate a mechanic who can reattach a medieval shield to a car.

8:40 – Surprisingly, within the hour we have a local fellow named Armando jacking up the car with our tirejack and… climbing under the car?!? Ohmyfuck is that dangerous. A 17 year old tirejack! And a very, very heavy car! And a car uniquely susceptible to destruction! Poor Armando is about to become the Wicked Witch of the East

8:56 – Armando emerges from under the car, alive! He is truly shocked when he is engulfed in a boisterous group hug.

8:58 – When we ask him how much we owe him, he actually suggests the equivalent of 5 dollars. I hug him again and give him 20, which is still a shockingly low amount given that he just risked his life, albeit probably unknowingly.

9:06 – We head to the gas/hooker station to try and buy a new tire

9:18 – They locate one that should sort of work as a spare, so long as we don’t have to drive on it very far.

10:02 – We are finally on our way away from Khorixas, away from Damaraland, away from the Skeleton Coast, away from inquisitive peacocks and from famished pigs. If we are lucky, we will be within the confines of the majestic Etosha Park in just a few hours!

10:06 (This isn’t even an exaggeration) – Our back right tire blows up. FML.

10:09 – As I lamented the fact that Murphy’s Law was violently violating us in unmentionable places in unspeakable ways, we once again cleared the trunk and set about putting our (very) recently purchased spare tire onto the car.

10:24 – We are on our way. My psyche is having difficulty dealing with the fact that the steering wheel is pulling heavily to the left and the godforsaken dashboard is once again lighting up.

12:13 – We pull into the next town in search of yet another gas station to purchase yet another tire. Unfortunately, it is Sunday, and nowhere is open for business, except for the crack dealer operating on the corner. And business is good.

1:35 – We finally get a gas station owner to drive down and open up his shop to sell us a tire. The number of Namibians I have hugged today is escalating quickly.

1:45 – I am offered crack.

2:07 – I am asked for crack.

2:08 – I try to explain to the crackhead how he can find the crackdealer - “Oh I can’t help you there, but actually there was a guy just a block that way hanging out in front of the grocery store who may be able to… about yay high, looked kind of like Bubbles... you know, from ‘The Wire’… it's a great show... you should, um…” - but upon receiving a blank stare decide to abandon this act of good Samaritanism.

3:14 – We are finally set up with our new tire and set off towards Etosha

….

Our car troubles very temporarily behind us, we arrived in the amazing Etosha Park a few hours later.

The largest game park in Namibia, and one of the most famous in all of Africa, Etosha is a large salt pan with scores of animals that tend to cluster around its few tiny watering holes. It is relatively unique in that people can drive their own cars around most of the park without a guide – a rule many other drivers came to rue when the ungodly screech produced by our braking car scared away all animals within 50km. Except for these guys, who were too busy enjoying each other’s company to run away

We spent our first two nights in Etosha at Okaukuejo Camp, which features an amazing watering hole that allows one to see animals at any time, day or night,

It is most famous for the consistent appearance of white rhinos every night

By day we either lay by the surprisingly present swimming pool or drove the plains in search of the amazing and the hilarious. By night we were plied with liquor by Archie, Quivers and Kenny, a perpetually wasted trio of gregarious elderly travelers who were camping at the adjacent site. While Kenny pontificated about the meaning of life and Archie explained why his flashlight was the world’s best, Quivers would shakily stand up every few minutes to grandly state that “God is First, Family is Second and… FRIENDS ARE THIRD!!!” at which point he would grab Kenny in a bear hug and pour whiskey down his throat or, more frequently, onto his head. Archie, easily pushing 65, woke up the next morning to find himself sleeping on the roof of his truck.

Needless to say, they ruled.

I wish everyone could go on safari in Africa at least once. There is really nothing quite like it. The huge African skies, the endless plains (the word “Serengeti” actually means “endless plains”) and, of course, the beautiful wild animals that tend to do absolutely ridiculous things to one another.

In my opinion, you go through two phases on safari. While in phase one, absolutely everything you see is absolutely the most amazing thing on earth. Gazelles! Zebras!!! ELEPHANTS!!! Your awe is so profound that you will utter noises and sentences that will truly embarrass you later on. Once, upon seeing a beautiful creature in the wild, my friend CP was heard whispering to herself “That bird is so free… like a bird.” And while that was an extreme case in terms of hilarity, it happens to everyone. However, before long, people reach phase two, in which just seeing animals isn’t enough anymore. While still happy, you are no longer ecstatic, and to reach that level of joy again you need to see something crazy, something unthinkable, something only the ciiiircle of liiiiife could produce. For example, I once looked up to see a dead gazelle staring at me from a tree branch 2 metres above my head, placed there by a leopard as a meal for later.

You simply just don’t see something like that very often. Another time we saw an amorous endangered black rhino use its horn to violently explore the nether regions of a non-amorous female endangered black rhino, lifting it clear in the air. Our guide sat in confused silence for 5 minutes before quietly noting that he had never seen such a thing nor heard it was even possible.

And of course, your heart will never beat like it does when you get charged by a herd of elephants.

On this particular jaunt, nothing too incredibly bizarre happened. In an instance that was simultaneously heart-breaking and fascinating, we did see two jackals share the organs of a dead zebra like they were Lady and Tramp

And it will always be entertaining to watch a male animal (an oryx, in this case) attempt to initiate the No Pants Dance with an unsuspecting female as she tries to get herself a drink of water

We saw plenty of gazelles

And whatever this incredibly suspicious character is

And some rambunctious zebras

And a lion

And we broke all the rules

On our last night in Etosha, we sat on the roof of our car and drank beers as the sun went down over the vast salt pan. As the orange light washed over the landscape, dozens and dozens of giraffes emerged out of the bushes to strike their awkward stance by the watering hole

Just 72 hours before I was fairly certain we were going to die in a ball of German-engineered fire. A few days pass and life is perfect again. I guess that's the thing about traveling: the lows are so low that the highs, already high, seem even higher... What?

Good talk, see ya out there.