The Dude Abides.

5 Songs of the Mo’

1. Phoenix – 1901

2. MOP – Ante Up (Also featured on the RossFergalicious-inspired playlist “Hip to the Hop that You Don’t Dare Stop”)

3. The Stills – Being Here

4. Gordon Lightfoot – Carefree Highway (I would bet that Gordo was humming this little ditty a few years ago while solo-paddling his canoe through Algonquin Park at dusk when an unfortunate paddler, who happened to be the Uncle of my friend Rich, made the unfortunate mistake of interrupting his peaceful reflection to say that he was his biggest fan. Gordo’s legendary and gracious response: “Fuck Off”. Carefree Highway indeed.)

5. Yo La Tengo – Black Flowers

BOLIVIA

After surviving the Andes like a cannibalistic member of the Uruguayan Rugby team, I made for the capital of Bolivia, La Paz, which literally means “The Peace” (Educational blog!) to meet my pal Toulchy.

Despite its status as one of the poorest countries in South America, Bolivia is a fantastic place full of kind and funny people. Our short time there featured 5 notable highlights

(1) Bolivian Roads – Actually, these were such a lowlight that they somehow became a highlight, at least for me. For Toulch, it’s more likely that the Bolivian roads are the T that begat his PTSD. You see, whether this is smart or stupid, commendable or highly uncommendable, I’ve been on such absurd roads (for example, welcome to the Thai-Burma border

that the Bolivian variety were sort of fun.

Most of the buses we took were overnight, which was good because it allowed us to (theoretically) sleep through most of the ride. The roads were so ridiculously bumpy that I would usually just giggle for twenty minutes about how hilarious it was, be rocked to sleep and then not wake up for twelve hours. Right before falling asleep, I would usually mention to Toulchy that we were fine so long as the roads were either just really bad or just on a cliff, but if it was both then he could start worrying. Within 4 seconds of me falling asleep, the cliffy/bumpy/ohmyfuck section would begin, and so would Toulch’s sleepless night. Typically, at some point in the night, the bus would stop in the dark, in the middle of absolutely nowhere (aka “Lares”), for between 60 and 90 minutes while the bus drivers would scream what sounded to the untrained-in-Spanish ear to be something along the lines “Oh my god there’s so much blooood!”. It was usually around this time that I would start snoring, and that Toulch would start sobbing.

(2) In 1995, the Inter-American Development Road named the 69km width-challenged road connecting La Paz to Coroico in Bolivia “The World’s Most Dangerous Road”. An unintended consequence of bestowing this honour on the Yungas Road, which features shockingly precipitous cliffs and nary a patch of pavement, was to create an opportunity for savvy entrepreneurs to charge thrill-seeking idiots approximately 1/15 of the average Bolivian’s annual earnings to be driven to the top of this road so they could propel themselves down it. (Earmuffs Mama Fin) The day after we arrived in Bolivia, Mike and I were two of those idiots.

Those who know me best are aware that I may or may not be a “good” rider of bikes. Clearly not thinking of the implications for my ability to both balance on a contraption while pushing down peddles at the same time, my parents selfishly chose to live at the top of a massive hill so they could enjoy a “view”. Trying to bike down this hill would have meant certain death, so I turned to more important goals as a child, such as winning the Grade 5 Book-Reading Contest (And I did. And I won a pimp jean hat. Take that, Nicola Szibbo). But don’t you worry, I have come a long way (Shut up Mikey) and can now ably steer a bike downhill with the most average of ‘em, complete with the ability to turn away from cliffs and out of the path of trucks. And as a result of this hard-fought skill, and despite the fact that our guide resembled the homicidal sister from "So I Married An Axe Murderer", I have survived and can report that ohmyfuck was it fun. Getting to bike through such an isolated, gorgeous landscape surrounded by green mountains socked in with rain and fog was such a unique, brilliant experience. Evidence:

Rock on Touch
Ohmyfuck




Very humbling moments tho...

But don’t worry Mama Fin, it’s only the World’s Most Dangerous Road for people in cars, not for idiots on bikes.

(3) The World’s Most Delicious Pasta – If you ever happen to be heading to The Peace, Bolivia, get me on the goddamn phone so I can direct you to a meal that will haunt your dreams (in a good way). That’s unless, of course, you’re not willing to wait for 90 minutes after you order with a $1 litre of beer so the little old Bolivian woman can hand-roll your Gnocchi and throw together a little homemade pesto. I want you inside me! What? Nothing.

(4) Bolivian Futbol Game – While La Paz-ing through I also got to knock #79 off the Life To Do List by being in the stands to watch two rival South American football teams wage terrifying war upon each other. It was the first game of the Bolivian professional league’s season, and the two La Paz-based teams were playing. We walked the 30 minutes to the stadium and were absolutely blown away by the crowds, the noise and the pungent smells. We were looking for scalpers for tickets, but every time we saw one reveal they had tickets, they were engulfed by a crowd and literally (figuratively) never seen again. We were fortunate that one scalper surreptitiously sidled up to the only two blindingly white people in the crowd in order to completely screw them over with a sale 5 times the face value of the tickets. After paying this astronomical sum of 13 dollars CDN, we excitedly went to the gate, were met with uproarious laughter at what were clearly fake tickets, received pity, and were ultimately admitted into the game.

We had General Admission tickets without seats, so we found a place standing at the top of the stairs in the lower bowl and soaked in the indescribable atmosphere, the never-ending songs from the competing fan bases and the jaw-dropping skill of the players. We were surrounded by policemen who were attempting to maintain order, and maintain order they did. For example, to my surprise, the two guys standing one step below us, who resembled Kaiser Soze and cross-ethnic Chuck Norris, at least in my nightmares, were told to move back by the cops, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say they both started screaming at the top of their lungs. To my further surprise, they got in full-on shoving matches with the police, complete with full windup double-handed strikes to the policemen’s chests. And to my furtherest surprise, they were not beaten to death. Rather than being taken to jail, they were allowed to watch the rest of the game, beside me.

But honestly, what an incredible experience. We have a great video of a goal being scored and the crowd going apeshit, will try and post it soon

(5) The Salt Flats of Uyuni – Southern Bolivia features some of the world’s most starkly beautiful landscape. And really, other than saying that the Salt Flats of Uyuni would definitely be one of the world’s raddest places to have a game of road hockey (we discussed this for hours [you're welcome] and came up with an unbeatable top ten of the best places to play with the basic caveat that no construction could be done other than to bring in some nets and put in place some rudimentary boards, and the other basic caveat that this list has absolutely no place in practical reality.) The list, in no particular order:

(I) The Golden Gate Bridge

(II) Dubai Tennis Platform

(III) An Aircraft Carrier, preferably commanded by Gene Hackman

(IV) (Note, this beat out the Taj Mahal) The beachside road hockey court used by Gordon Bombay while he reflects in Mighty Ducks 2

(Surprisingly, Image not available, but this one is just as awesome)

(V) The Great Wall of China

(VI) The Platform Halfway Up the Eiffel Tower

(VII) The Skybridge connecting the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia

(VIII) Times Square in NYC]

(VIX) The Roman Colosseum circa year 190AD complete with tigers that jump out of secret doors in the floor

And finally, (X) the Salt Flats of Uyuni, Bolivia

I didn't want you to find out this way, but I no longer have a head Viagra: It Can Work For You

Never, Marge! Never! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend some of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors! Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called City Fathers who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards and say, "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

It Lied to us through Sign! I hate it when people do that

Independence Day

So, despite the fact that a laundry lady in La Paz inexplicably stole the zippers off of my only two sweatshirts and a pair of shorts, like a boss, I would highly recommend Bolivia.

Muchlovedunc